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google announces HeavenSearch, partially disclaims deity status


This from the fake-as-news dept:

(for immediate release)
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA, April 2004.

Google Inc. revealed today a new product called HeavenSearch (http://heaven.google.com/) that, in accordance to the company's oft-discussed reach into theological depths, will allow users to search the information contained in Paradise and alternative otherwordly venues.

"We're really excited about this product," said a Google official. "People have been talking for a while about whether Google is God and so on. And they're not totally off the mark. Our cookies see everywhere and everything, even beyond Death. Beyond Taxes too. We wanted to make this wealth of information available to users." The initial product, released as a beta (as is standard Google practice), will start off by searching through the Christian Heaven. Plans are in place, however, to provide search facilities for other major Religions' pleasant afterlife locations.

And what about Hell?

"We're not going there," said a developer that worked on the project. "Our motto is 'Do no Evil'. Obviously that precludes searching through Hell," and then noted, "we've wondered about Limbo though."

Privacy advocates were outraged at the very notion. "This is a disastrous development. Between search, mail, shopping, news, and now religion, Google's cookies are becoming all-powerful entities. The Google cookie is the greatest threat to our way of life since Oreos were invented. The Pope should be worried about the Googleplex, too."

The Vatican declined to comment.

The Google Official wondered: "So we're terrible, but, say, AOL, or Microsoft, or Yahoo aren't an issue at all? Passport? The Windows Registration System? AIM? ICQ? MSN Messenger? Ads everywhere? Pop-ups? Pop-unders? Instertitial ads? Paid-for-search results? Credit Card information in a server in Redmond somewhere? Why is it that all this brouhaha applies to Google only?"

To which the privacy advocates replied (in unison): "Oh, because AOL, Microsoft, and everyone else basically are good companies. We have nothing to fear from them!". One of them added "Plus, those companies... you know, they're pretty harmless. They just have tens of billions of dollars in cash and dominant, locked-in, fiercely defended positions on their markets. Just look at Microsoft, they just had to pay Sun Microsystems something like two billion dollars. Now they've only got 54 billion left!." Another interjected. "Right. These companies aren't God or anything like that," after which he dropped to his knees and, eyes closed, head down, hands to chin, started mumbling search-engine queries.

"I see," said the Google Official when hearing this, as he dug out some M&Ms from an open bowl on the table, then proceeded to sit down at a nearby massage chair.

So is Google, really, really God now?

"We're not like, God-God, you know? After all, we had nothing to do with the creation of the Universe and all living things." The official said, his voice vibrating in unison with the massage chair, disclaiming Google's incipient deity status, and added cryptically "That was there before us."

Categories: technology
Posted by diego on April 12 2004 at 6:53 PM

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